Lesson 119 ~Drowning In Because~

Saturday, August 21, 2011



Hey Lady Lu...

Maybe I should be more concerned with my upcoming suicide… didn’t work before so I have serious doubts about this time; so many excuses, so many past lives. When I started to think about the past seems the only regrets I have are about love, sex, and girls… one particular girl, Chrissy.



Luna you know I don’t want to die; it just seems the easiest solution because life is only going to get worse from here. I could give you a million reasons why I need to do this and a million excuses to why I will fuck it up… not enough pills, a toilet turned green, somehow I always thought death would be easier, Bella was wrong. The real questions are why can’t I die, why do I continue with even this moment, and why is “Everyday Exactly The Same”



I regret that I’m not good enough, not worthy of love, not a worthy enough lover, and that those who I have chosen to love want nothing to do with me. It’s not like I can do it all over or start again, wouldn’t it only be the same “Hurt” girls, jobs, and life? Such is my whole suicide idea, if I can’t reset the game, if I can’t play it, if I can’t win it, matter of fact it makes me sick, I might as well stop playing Lady Lu.



The waters are already above my head and yet I keep fighting; what have I learned today… that I make too many excuses and I wish someone would just kill me already. Maybe that’s why I wanted to be on “The Dr. Phil Show” you know that final death knell, that final gasp of air, Drowning In Because.



LATE



Drowning In Because



A pool too deep

Angels fly

But where will your feet

Lie



I’m drowning because

It’s you I seek

Drowning because of us



A lake too cold

You are my light, so warm

But you I could never hold

If I were never born



I’m drowning because

You, I’ll never know

Drowning because of us



A river too dirty

Corrupted, violated, muddy

You were naughty and flirty

And I wanted lusty and slutty



I’m drowning because

I was so nerdy

Drowning because of us



An ocean too blue

Or black or red

Filth made true

Unheard, unsung, unread



I’m drowning because

I thought you knew

Drowning because of us



A sea too perilous

Too say hello again

Of you, never enough

Your heart, your skin, and sin



I’m drowning because

You I still love

Drowning because of us



Such is my love

My history

The two of us

Such a misery

Drowning In Because



Copyright © 2011, Will A. Bradford Jr. All rights reserved.